You know what? I have a lot of people hanging around me that act as if I need to bow my head and take whatever I’m given and just keep quiet and that’s that.
Guess what? I’m not making apologies for who I am. I like to go to sleep early and I like it to be quiet. I cry a lot and get emotional. I don’t believe that everyone has a clear life plan and what is good for one person is not necessarily good for EVERY person.
I make mistakes. Sometimes I laugh too loud. I speak before I think. I put my trust in some people that maybe don’t deserve it but I want to believe that most people are good at heart. I believe that if you know you’re right then you should stick to your guns even if you have people, people that you love, telling you you’re wrong.
Right now I feel absolutely alone. I’m not even writing this to get sympathy. I don’t want anyone to feel sympathetic for me. I’m just stating a fact. I feel alone. There are so many people that I thought had my back and loved me and I’m finding out that all of that was conditional. On the condition that I keep my mouth shut. On the condition that I live my life on their terms and not my own terms.
I keep thinking that I’ve hit my lowest point and then something else happens that pushes me down even further. And I keep wondering what else I’m going to have to endure. I realize that some people have it worse. But I’m the only one having to deal with MY life. And right now my life is making me hurt.
I just wish I could see into the future so I could see when I will find some happiness again. I wish I could see when the hurt stops coming. I wish I could see when I stop losing people that I thought would always love and care for me.
I write this with such a heavy heart. I don’t want to write these sad posts. I want to be strong and I want to be the girl that believes everything happens for a reason and I want to smile through the pain and remind myself that it could be so much worse. But I just can’t.
I think I’m broken. And I have no idea if I can be fixed.