I started out as little miss goody two shoes. Way back in the day I always turned things in on top, did my assigned reading and went above and beyond. However, right about the time that boys became interesting I sort of started slacking.
I remember the first C I got. Art class in SEVENTH GRADE. Yes, I got a C in seventh grade. But let me tell you that I can’t draw a straight line. I am not artistic. I love to write and to me that’s my “art”. But painting, drawing, ceramics, art history – they all mean nothing to me. So I wasn’t entirely heartbroken with that grade. I still did decent through most of junior high.
High school was a little worse. I was HORRIBLE in math. They introduced this new math program in Minnesota and I was thrown into that. The way math was described in that program just made no sense to me. I struggled. A lot. I also had a hard time getting assignments done on time because I spent a lot of my time being interested in boys. School just didn’t seem as important. I always heard, “Krysten is so smart if she’d just do the work.” The problem is that I didn’t like doing the work. I would put things off until the very last second and then if it meant I had to stay up late I’d just forgo doing well on the assignment for sleep. Not good. But I still got through high school without too much damage.
Then came college. I’m not sure if it’s because the only person that can hold you accountable for going to class is YOU or what but my first year of college was BAD. I was kind of homesick, I didn’t like my roommate, I felt shy and I realized that it was super easy to ditch classes. I also fell in love hard for the first time and once that happened school was all downhill. By the end of the year there wasn’t much hope for me. I felt like a bad person and I had no idea what to do.
I moved home for my sophomore year and that’s the only time I did well in college. I liked the community college I was at but at the time I believed that community colleges were for people who couldn’t get into a four year college (a belief I have since changed). So after that year I was accepted to a four year school closer to home. It should have been perfect.
Except the boy issues were still going on and the ditching classes was still going on. At this point I simply felt uncomfortable in classes. Because I’d screwed up my freshman year I still had freshman classes to take. So I was a 21 year old in classes with 18 year olds. And they all seemed to have their acts together when I didn’t. And that’s how the rest of my schooling has gone. Although the boy crazy stuff faded away I still constantly felt the need to skip classes because A) I wanted to sleep / have time before work / just didn’t feel like it and B) I felt uncomfortable being older than everyone else.
So now here I am. 26 years old with a smattering of random classes that I’ve passed and a smattering of classes that I’ve failed. It’s hard for me to put all this out there because in my own eyes I feel like an idiot for having thrown my college years away and because part of me is scared this will all happen again. I am hopeful that online classes will be my answer. It won’t matter if I’m older than everyone else because I’ll be behind a computer screen. And I can work on my classes whenever I feel like it.
I am hopeful this time around. Because part of me feels like this is my last chance.