Ugh. I try really hard to be positive and happy, especially on this blog. Because I feel like if I’m not the I will break down. And if I break down I may never stop crying. And frankly, crying makes my eyes hurt, it gives me headaches and I look DISGUSTING when I cry.
But life just isn’t as great as I always thought it would be. And not in the “damn, I thought being an adult would be an easy, awesome fairytale” kind of way but in the “all I wanted was to be able to pay my bills every month and not be so scared of money that I might want to sell my car” kind of way.
In all honestly, I feel like a failure. And no amount of anyone telling me that’s not true will make me feel any better. Because at the end of the day I could have done SOMETHING to prevent myself from losing my job. I could have stopped myself from slacking in school sooner and finished. I could be a better person than I actually am. And it’s all MY FAULT.
I’m not writing this to get pity from anyone. I’m writing it because these are the feelings I go through every single day. I’m writing it because I need to get my fears out of my head.
I just want a damn job. Any job. Anything that will give me a stable paycheck every two weeks that will help me pay some of the bills. I just want SOMETHING. I’m not a bad person. I made a mistake that cost me my job. So now, when each application asks if I’ve ever been fired, I have to say YES. And I hate that. Because I’m scared that that is what is costing me to still be jobless 4 months later.
Life is not all roses. It’s not even dandelions right now.
And, to be totally honest, I’m not sure when it will get better. I’m trying very hard to be positive but right now I’m really feeling negative.